How to Stop Fighting with Your Child about Everything
Do you ever feel like the lovely little independent thinkers that you are raising are depleting your mental energy? Why must everything be a battle?
First of all, you are not alone. Arguing, or “discussing” as we sometimes call it in our home, is a normal part of growing up. We are all unique individuals with differing views on many matters, and personally, I think that makes life better. But what about when it becomes problematic? In the outside world, we can walk away from an argumentative person or avoid them altogether. But what do you do when that precious little energy vampire is your own child whom you dearly love?
As an experienced mom and teacher, let me encourage you to first look at your perhaps strong-willed child in a different light because, as you may have been told, it’s usually the feisty children who have the enormous potential to become the movers and shakers in leadership roles later in life, whether it’s the CEO of a company or the CEO of the family! When these children are trained well and supported, you won’t have to worry about them taking care of themselves or standing up for their beliefs. Take comfort in that! Now, as we get into the ‘How’ of things, let’s remember to incorporate and celebrate the positives along with the tough stuff.
8 ways to avoid the daily struggle of fighting with your child:
Be consistent. This will almost always be my #1 on any parenting list because… well… it’s that important. No parenting style or strategy has ever succeeded without consistency. You cannot allow certain behaviors to occur until you have reached your limit and then snap. This is not what we call ‘choosing your battles.’ (We will get into that in a minute.) Your expectations will be met more consistently after your child learns that your parenting isn’t based on your mood or amount of energy at the time. I get it. Being consistent is sooooo HARD in the beginning, but life is WONDERFUL once consistency rules.
Consider your child’s individuality and thought processes. Even though it seems that they are merely being defiant, consider that they are showing the courage to stand up for their ideas. And they feel comfortable enough with YOU to express their opinion on a matter. Whenever possible (and it’s not always possible), discuss the reasoning behind your decision. Validate their feelings about a matter. When possible, let them know that you respect their idea and you will consider something they have suggested. Find a reason to compliment them. Thank them for being comfortable enough, intelligent enough, brave enough, {whatever} enough to state an opinion. Children (all people) want to be heard. Listen to them.
Say what you mean and mean what you say. Keep your cool and never threaten anything that you are not committed to following through on. Your child should respect that you keep your word. If you make an ultimatum like “If you do that one more time, you’re not going to your cousin’s birthday party,” you will probably be making some tough choices soon. And as you may already know, although grounding a child is sometimes necessary, you essentially ground yourself too in the process. That’s just how it works.
Choose your battles, and incorporate fair deals whenever possible. Arguing is in essence a power struggle, so put as much power into your child’s hands as you can. Make sure that your child has the opportunity to make lots of choices. No matter their age, there will be times when you need to give them a choice between two or more options that you are okay with, from clothing to dinner to family fun day activities, etc. But try to give them as much control as you can. Sometimes you can do that with fair & reasonable compromises. For example, back-to-school shopping is often stressful with so many things to buy and so many decisions to make, so choose 2 or 3 options of school supplies that you are willing to buy (folders, pencils, etc.) and present this to your child. If they don’t like your choices of folders and want the folder with the cool picture on it (that’s way more expensive), you can say, “Sure. These folders (parent’s choice) are 25¢ each, and the one you want is 99¢. I’ll pay for 25¢ of it and you pay the extra 74¢.” Many times, this one trick showed me that my daughter really didn’t want it that badly, BUT the decision was hers!
Just DON’T Do It (fight)… Remove yourself from the argument. Think about it. Why would your child argue with you? They want to change your decision. And if you have let them wear you down in the past, it will be even harder to stand your ground now, but it can be done and will be worth it in the end. It takes two people to argue. As my husband used to say to me regarding one of our strong-willed kiddos, “Don’t engage.” This leads me to the next point.
Set clear expectations and reasonable consequences, and keep the emotion out of it. Again, this gives the child the power. This can be done in many ways. But first, let me clarify. I like to use the word ‘consequences‘ neutrally. Consequences can be good or bad. Not everything is a punishment. Many times, our actions create positive consequences for us. Whenever possible, try to state consequences in positive ways. Whether you have a well known “house rule” or have to create an expectation on the fly, state it positively. “Sure! We can go outside and play as soon as we pick up these toys.” Or better yet, sit down with your child and agree on expectations and consequences. This gives them ownership in the process.
Be the YES parent by putting the power in your child’s hands, and be as specific as possible. There’s a learning curve here, and we all learn as we go. Tell your child(ren) that you WANT to say YES as much as you can and that they have the power to turn their requests into yeses. Example: “In order to go out with your friends on Friday, your room must be clean on Thursday night by __ PM.” You just said ‘yes’ to something, contingent upon your child’s actions, AND you created a deadline that avoids your child rushing home from school on Friday and throwing stuff under the bed and in closets and claiming that the room is clean and that he/she has already told ALL of their friends that they’re coming, only to have a melt-down when you enforce the consequence. Do you think I learned the hard way from this one? You bet I did!
Teach your child how to make respectful requests and how to refrain from arguing once a final decisions has been made. Set expectations about the correct way to approach someone who is in charge about a rule or a request. Do this at a time when things are not heated. Maybe role play a situation. Maybe say to your child, “Hey, do you want me to let you in on a secret?” and then share a time that you got what you wanted by approaching things in a healthy, respectful way, or you could share what would impress you if someone came to you about changing a rule or making a request. And then teach them when to “let go” of the argument once a decision has been made. Calmly and kindly state when something is non-negotiable. They may need a reminder. Example: Your child has not done his chores and wants to go outside to play with his friends. He begs you to let him go play, and, if you do, he will do his chores tomorrow. You could say something like, “Thank you for telling me how you feel about this. I have heard you, and I have considered it. But you already made the decision when you decided not to do your chores. You took away my yes. Now, if you continue to argue, {additional consequences will follow}.” You decide how to finish that sentence. Just make it a reasonable consequence, and be consistent.
The suggestions above work beautifully with committed consistency! The road of consistent parenting gets easier the farther you travel on it. Make sure respect is a two-way street in your home. Use the power of choice with your child whenever possible. Connect actions (good choices) to positive outcomes. There will still be bumps in the road, but they are far fewer than in the home of parents who are merely surviving. You’ve got this, you great parental figure! 💜
